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*Kymmy-isms*

Jokes and Quotes

10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".

3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man.

Top 10 Unusual Things
Done During an Interview

10. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to arm wrestle.

9. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

8. Candidate brought large dog to interview.

7. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

6. Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hair piece.

5. Applicant said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

4. Candidate dozed off during interview.

3. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

2. Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.

1. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Top 10 Ways to
Freak-Out Your Co-Workers

10. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

9. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

8. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

7. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

6. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

5. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

4. Sneak up behind some engrossed in their work screaming, "DISK FIGHT!!!" and bop them on the head with a disk.

3. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

2. Get a pair of 3-d glasses. Wobble around while walking and keep yelling, "Whoa, that looked so real!"

1. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

Top 10
Drinking Symptoms

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

You could consider yourself Hooked on Coffee if...

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Cocaine is a downer.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You buy milk by the cow.

You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

You don't tan, you roast.

You don't get mad, you get steamed.

Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.

Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

You can't even remember your second cup.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."

You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

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RANDOM THOUGHTS

* Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

* I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

* I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

* Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

* I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

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Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

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Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

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The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank robbery has just taken place.

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I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.

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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one.

I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

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I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

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Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

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I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

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A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses now I'll hae to kill you too.

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